A Wedding Story

Since today is my anniversary. I thought it would be appropriate to tell a wedding story.

Once upon a time a daughter got married like all daughters sometimes do. She married her Prince Charming. It was a glorious fairy tale book wedding like all wedding are supposed to be except for one tiny little thing.

Let's face it, there is always one tiny little thing. For some people it is not so tiny and it is gargantuan and for others it is just a minor flaw in the perfect day. For can we not enjoy a perfect day if we do not see the imperfections? Can we truly be perfect or feel perfection if we have never failed?

Here are my funny imperfect wedding stories --

I was at a wedding once where somebodies mother forgot a slip (and didn't realize you could see right through her dress) and had to speed home in her daughters sports car to retrieve it while her husband drove like he was the next Richard Petty.

I have been to a number 2 and a number 3 wedding. After the number 3 wedding, I vowed that I only go to one wedding so you won't see me at number 2 or number 3 unless for some reason I missed number 1. It makes sense, you sure as hell only go to one funeral, so weddings should be the same. And there is never more than 1 wedding gift. You better hope you hold on to it in the divorce.

And there was the wedding where the groom shoved cake so hard and all over the brides face that everyone was appalled and shocked by the situation. They are now divorced.

The attendants can always cause problems or be uncooperative. I was asked to be an attendant at a wedding and dropped out a few months before the wedding. I was not the only drop out and I do regret this now looking back. I dropped out and another did as well over an argument over the bridesmaids dresses. I don't feel too bad though as they are now divorced.

Let's not forget the bride who did not allow children at her wedding. You know what, it is her day and I feel like that is the bride and grooms decision. However, this did cause one of her relatives to not speak to her or attend the wedding.

What about the bride who lit up a cigarette the minute the "I do's" were said and had one dangling from her mouth the entire reception. That also ended in divorce.

One of my most memorable weddings was one that had an open bar and an after party. Yes an after party! Wish I would have thought of that!

I have been to evening weddings that did not serve dinner. I don't expect a sit down dinner but if you drag me out to a wedding and I am in attendance between 5-7 then you better well have something to eat even if it is just finger sandwiches. Otherwise you need to schedule your wedding at a different time.

And then there was the wedding with a cash bar for all beverages. You got to have some free beverages at your wedding. And cash bars are tacky. Just don't have a bar at all. If someone needs a drink that bad to get through your wedding they can bring a flask.

Oh the bride that decided it would be a very North Carolina thing to do to have peel and eat shrimp at her wedding. Let's just say that reception hall smelled like...you get the picture. It was not pretty.

I almost forgot about the weddings that you go to and you wonder if any one will stand up when they ask if there are any objections. That always cracks me up!

We have all been to the wedding where the bride thought it would be beautiful to have it outside and we were all melting and the almost got stung by bees and in the pictures you can see our make up running. Or it rained and you weren't sure whether to go or not and if the wedding would take place or not. Or the wedding where there was hardly a single soul at the wedding ceremony and it was mass chaos at the reception.

But we all know we love weddings. We love to see who misbehaves and gets drunk. Or who goes to a dry wedding and shows their true colors. We like to comment on the attendants and the brides dress. The flowers, the cake, the food or lack thereof. The music, the officiant, the location, the weather. Weddings always make for great conversations no matter what. And they are always better than the alternative. Don't even get me started on living in sin....you all know how I feel about that.

Happy Anniversary DH! Isn't it funny how most men hate weddings but they sure like the honeymoon and that is the part they want to be "in charge" of? DH you did good with Aruba and yes I did bad getting food poisoned. That is another story for another day.

Celebrating my anniversary in style (ok we are doing nothing but that is typical for 13),

Camel Toes and Trimming the Bush

Now that I have gotten your attention this is a subject I think is worth mentioning. We are not talking about a camel's toes at the zoo or gardening that needs to be done. That used to be the case but according to the urban dictionary, these are common terms used daily by teens and adults alike.

I had a friend once who made a trip to American Eagle Outfitters with her best friend to look for jeans. This friend has a hard time finding jeans and wanted a second opinion.

After they went through the racks picking out several styles that would be flattering they made there way back to the fitting rooms.

This friend tried her first pair of jeans on and asked her BFF what she thought? BFF went up to her waist and promptly pulled the jeans down some. This friend wanted to know why in the world she did that. BFF response was, you wear your jeans up way to high and you have a camel toe and I am tired of it. Well friend did not even know what camel toe was and I admit, when friend told me about this, I had no idea either.

I will say in this case, Google is NOT your friend. Do not google this term. You will come up with all kind of lewd pictures that will burn your eyeballs out of your head. Ask a good friend if they know and hopefully they can explain it to you.

Anyway, her feelings were kind of hurt by this because she knew it was not good but it gets worse. She quickly took this pair of jeans off and thought maybe she wouldn't try anymore on. She was already feeling down about herself and having some marital problems. Her BFF knew about that so there was no need for insults.

However, her BFF was still in the room. And when she took this pair of jeans off her BFF continued. And another thing she said, you really need to trim that bush of yours. This was the exact way it was phrased. No wonder you are having marital problems! She then went on a tirade about this area of friends body.

Friend had it at this point and left and was very upset by what BFF said. It really hurt her feelings. This lead to a long debate about whether it is ok to tell your friends stuff like this? If you truly are best friends, do you tell someone your honest opinion? Is there a line that should not be crossed?

In this case, I think more tact could have been used. Maybe telling your friend about camel toe or showing her a funny video like this one would give them the hint -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56BVfyuEBDo&feature=related (Beware this video contains adult content and should not be opened with minors in the room)

As far as the bush goes, your bush is your business. That is between you and your husband and I don't think anyone needs to talk about this with you. I do think it was a slap in the face to bring up the marital problems in this situation. I am hoping BFF just was having a bad day and was trying to make herself feel better about something. Who knows? Maybe she had her own questions and wanted to see friends reaction to the subject. Either way I hope I haven't burned your eyeballs with that video.

The older I get the more slang language there seems to be. It is hard to keep up with all the acronyms for texting much less these new terms and words. I try to stay away from the urban dictionary if I can help it. Sometimes too much information/education IS NOT a good thing.

Urban language less or at least trying,

I smell gas!

That is how it all started. I was walking through the house on the weekend and I had a headache from the smell. The only gas using items we have in our house are the fire place, the heat and the water heater. For some reason I smelled gas in the stairwell.

My father called and while chatting with him on the phone I casually mentioned I smelled gas. He said call the gas company and tell them and they will come out. Made sense so as soon as I got off the phone I called the local gas company.

Well let me tell you, the gas company could care less if you smell gas. They like to sell it to you and make sure you pay your bill but if you blow up it is not their responsibility. They told me to call the fire department.

Stupidly....I said stupidly....I looked up the NON-emergency number for the fire department. I did not know that everything is an emergency to our local fire department. A nice fireman answered the phone. I explained to him that I was a little concerned as I smelled gas and I had called our gas company and they advised me to call them. Maybe if they wouldn't mind, they could come over with a gas meter and just let me know if we have a gas leak or not. All of a sudden I hear a loud bell ringing. He said we will be right over. I said WAIT! This is NOT an emergency, so I just need you to come in your regular NON-emergency vehicle and check. OH NO he says, we have to bring it all, this is VERY SERIOUS. I repeated, NO as I started to hear sirens, it really isn't necessary. He says, mam, I need you to gather everyone in the house and any pets and wait on the front lawn for us. Again I said, seriously! You don't have to send out ladder truck or anything it is NOT AN EMERGENCY. He said it is OUR PLEASURE, now please evacuate the house.

In the few seconds I got off the phone I wondered how I was going to tell DH what I had done. I told him to get his shoes on and get the dog we had to go outside. I grabbed DD. As we walked out the front door I could already hear the sirens. I was SO embarrassed. What will the neighbors think? My next door neighbor was out in the driveway as he see us walk out of the house. He says do you hear all those sirens? I said yes. He said wow, some one must have had a terrible accident. I said I think they are coming here. He laughed. I said no I am serious I called the fire department and I think they are coming here. He still thought I was joking.

The next thing I knew 2 fire trucks were on our small cul-de-sac along with a ambulance and the fire chiefs truck. I said we don't need an ambulance. It is protocol mam they tell me. They are in their full suits, hats, fireproof jackets, oxygen etc., entering our house. I wanted, at this point, to dig a hole in the front yard and bury myself in it. All of our neighbors were outside staring at us.

Then another fire truck from the town next to us pulls up on the side street leading to our cul-de-sac. You think I had called and told them I had a 5 alarm fire raging in my attic.

The fire chief came out and asked if everyone had evacuated the house? I said yes! He said I only see one child. How many children do you have? I said I only have one. Are you sure? Ok, well I don't know what this is supposed to mean but I am positive that I personally have only birthed one child. I said yes, I only have one. Oh, he says, from all the toys in the house, I thought you had more. Hmmm...don't know what that was supposed to mean.

After they thoroughly checked the house and one fireman agreed with me that he smelled gas as well, they found that DH had too many electronic items plugged into one outlet and that was causing a burning smell as the wall was red at that outlet. Ok then, we unplugged everything and DH fixed that in the next couple of days.

Then they all came out of my house and started passing out stickers and hats to all the kids in the neighborhood that had come out to look with their parents. It ended being an experience I will never forget.

I did learn one important thing. If you want the kids to ever have a party with stickers and fire hats and tours of the fire engines, just call the non-emergency number and say, "I smell gas". It makes nice eye candy for the women as well!

Hoping only to see firemen at the fire station,

I need an agent - E-mail me if you know one

Here is my second country music song --

Tennessee Girl

Tennessee born and bred;
Volunteers running through my head
From the smokies to Graceland;
the local artists and bands
Rolling down the river in the west;
These are all the things I love best

I am a Tennessee girl
Lookin good in diamonds and pearls
Driving around in my SUV
It is very plain to see
Innocent on the outside, crazy on the in
You want to be me

When I get down and celebrate;
It is always time for Jack my date
Jack Daniels Sour Mash Whiskey
bottled in a Tennessee distillery!
Old Number 7 Brand is all that will do;
cures all ills and the blues
A rare whiskey for sippin’,
makes you want to go skinny dippin
In the cool waters of Old Hickory!


I am a Tennessee girl
Lookin good in diamonds and pearls
Driving around in my SUV
It is very plain to see
Innocent on the outside, crazy on the in
You want to be me

Crankin the radio up high;
to the local country show
That is only music I know;
the kind that soothes the soul
With the Opry
and the local artists you see on the street every day
The songwriters and musicians all wave and say

She’s a Tennessee girl
Lookin good in diamonds and pearls
Driving around in her SUV
It is very plain to see
Innocent on the outside, crazy on the in
You want to be her you’ll see!

Davy Crockett and sweet tea;
they always get the best of me
Jackson, Johnson and Polk,
for me just normal folks
Who loved this land;
and lets not forget Casey Jones the train man
I could never name all the stars
who put country music on the charts
And staked their capital as Nashville;
whose songs ring in our hearts

And this is why I am proud to say and be called a Tennessee girl --
Lookin good in diamonds and pearls
Driving around in my SUV
It is very plain to see
Innocent on the outside, crazy on the in
You want to be me

Shagging in the Garden

One of my English friends asked me to write about this so that is why I am using the word "shagging". I have more English friends than I can count, they must be drawn to this area. Ever since I moved from TN I have had really great English friends. So funny! The only thing I don't like about them is they move often. I only have 2 left here now and the other 3 live in CA and NJ.

I HAD this bad habit - past tense. I don't have it any more and you will see why. Even before I had kids, I drink way too much water at night. I have to get up at least once if not more to go to the bathroom.

I had this habit of looking out the blinds before I returned to bed. I don't know why. I wanted to just check the weather, see if I saw any burglars, see who still had their lights on and was up, etc. I always lifted up one of the bars on the blinds and took a peek out to see what was going on. Millions of nights I would just observe rain, a full moon, the wind blowing, lightening, starry skies, a stray animal here and there, nothing ever of note really.

Well one night upon returning to bed, I took my usual peek. Interestingly enough, on this particular night, there was someone outside. I recognized them so I knew they were not intruders. So while looking there wondering what they were doing up at that hour and outside for that matter it didn't take me long to realize that more was going on so to speak.

So I let go of the blind fast. I stood there in the dark bedroom looking at DH sleeping. I looked out again to make sure. Yep, there it was. I decided to wake DH up.

DH I said, you have to get out bed and come look out the window. DH of course thinks I am insane. You won't believe what is going on out there, I said!!! Is it storming he asks? NO! The weather is FINE! You have to come look out the window. He gets up and goes to the bathroom. I wait. He comes back and I said aren't you going to look out the window? He says why don't you save me the trouble and tell me what you saw. I said you have to see this! I finally told him that X and Y (we will call them that to protect their anonymity) were doing the deed.

He asks me why he would want to see that? It is an interesting question. I don't even want to see it personally but any woman would have jumped at the chance to look, to have "witnessed" this just for the pure outrage and intrigue and notoriety of the situation.

So I played the I really don't see good at night card. I said I think that is what is going on but you need to look so I can be sure. So he looked and he agreed. Then he asked if we should go out and join them? MEN!!!! Can't live with them and can't live without them.

We went back to bed. Ever since then though it has been a big joke in our neighborhood.

If you know me, you know I cannot let something like that go. So I make jokes about it. I told my other neighbors not to look outside as you never know what you might see -- wink wink.
Of course I have NEVER made a joke in front of the couple that actually were the instigators of this midnight tete-a-tete. Heck I admire their tenacity and her willingness to be so daring!

Please note that I always say "sex in the backyard" but I agree that "shagging in the garden" sounds a little more elegant. And I never ever look outside anymore at night. I have learned my lesson.

Peekless in the RTP,

Beware of Fairy Rings!!!!

I have a neighbor who is Canadian. That should help explain this story some.

Anyway, one day when the kids were out playing, she asked us if we were concerned about the recent fairy ring in the neighborhood. Hmmm. This conjured up all kinds of thoughts in my head, just think about it for a minute. What would be floating in around in your head if you heard this exact same thing?

I looked at her oddly and asked her what she was talking about?!?!? What is a fairy ring? She explained it to us and still I honestly did not believe her. Then she took us to see the evidence one street over.

When we got to the other street, we observed a dead ring in this unsuspecting persons yard. I can just imagine what they must of thought, had they looked out their window. There we were, all of us out there staring at their lawn with puzzled looks on our faces. I had just witnessed my first fairy ring.

Google it and you will find the most interesting and frightening things about fairy rings. All we all cared about was it was contagious and none of us wanted it.

I, however, wanted to spread the word about the notorious fairy ring! When I was on the phone with my parents, I asked my father if he had ever heard of fairy rings? He immediately panicked and asked me if I had one?!?!?! He said you have to burn it, burn it! That is the only way you can get rid of it!!! Yes, these fairy rings are serious things!

Unfortunately the fairy ring did make its way to our street. It infected two of my other neighbors, including my dear Canadian who was worried her own father would freak out if he saw it. It has never infected my yard. Good thing because I would not want the fire department called on me.

Which reminds me...have I told you about the time I called the local fire department when I smelled gas? Now there is a story!

Signed hopefully forever fairy ringless,

Grandpa's Garden

Preface: This is a poem I wrote in honor of my grandfather who passed away in 1995. I think about him so often, especially when gardening.

Gardening with Grandpa

Seeds.
Fresh tilled dirt.
Water and rain.
Sunshine.
"Not too much but not too little," said Grandpa.
Pruning and staking.
The colors.
The fragrances.
The tastes.
Picking and cleaning.
Canning and eating.
Eating was Grandpa’s favorite part!
A bunny hops in to take a peek.
Zinnias and Poppies and Daisies and Petunias.
Tomatoes and Squash and Green Beans and Peppers.
Peaches and Pears and Plums and Apples.
Pumpkins for pie and Blackberries for jam.
This was my Grandpa’s garden.

My first childrens book --

Preface: I wrote this a year or so ago when planning Amanda's birthday party. I thought it would be good to post it on my blog in case any publishers are interested.

Amanda’s Very Plain Ordinary Vanilla Birthday Cake

Amanda’s birthday was next week.
She told everyone at school.
"Will you have a party?" they asked.
"Yes!" she replied.
"Will you have cake?"
"Of course," she said
"What kind of cake will you have?"
"Plain vanilla, that is my favorite!!" she said with a smile.
The kids were surprised.
"Why would you want plain ordinary vanilla birthday cake?"they asked.
Maryann said she would have chocolate.
Peter said he would have strawberry.
And Skylar exclaimed carrot was the only way to go!
"Plain ordinary vanilla cake is not for a birthday." they cried.
But Amanda only liked plain ordinary vanilla cake.
Amanda thought about her birthday cake on the way home.
She thought about it when she ate dinner that evening.
She even thought about her birthday cake when she was in the bathtub!
When her parents tucked her into bed that night, Amanda was still thinking about her very plain ordinary vanilla birthday cake.
And as she drifted off to sleep she was still thinking about her cake.
How could it be so plain? How could it be so ordinary?
That night…
Amanda dreamed of vanilla cake covered in whipped cream and marshmallows and served with hot cocoa.
She dreamed of vanilla cake decorated with candy bars, gumdrops, licorice and sprinkles.
She dreamed of vanilla cake painted the color of the ocean with goldfish and sea horses and mermaids dancing in the waves.
She dreamed of vanilla cake shaped like a star with fireworks in bright colors and sparklers for candles.
She even dreamed of vanilla cake that was pink with purple polka dots!
And when her mommy got her up for school the next day, Amanda wasn’t so worried about her very plain ordinary vanilla birthday cake anymore.
At her party her friends from school were so surprised!
Maryann said, "This is not a plain cake."
Peter said, "This is not an ordinary cake."
And Skylar shouted, "Amanda your cake is extraordinary!"
And it was.